where is my mind?

how do you KNOW you're too connected?

too much social networking, instant messaging, email, tweets, etc? that's how i feel about now. too vulnerable to world around me. too connected...but not in any meaningful way, which is why it doesn't feel right. i'm just having a bunch of faux friend moments. one after another. we go to sleep (some of us) and then we do it again the next day. texting is replacing TALKING. gchat is speech evolved...speech evolved is unsatisfying.

computers are rotting my brain. 

custamato~

lets break it down...

this post is something i had forgotten about. unearthed again by my friend Tone, who needed it more than me. 

now...i share it with you:

Saturday, May 24, 2008 Lets break it down...

Current mood: depressed 

i took some time off from the game. upon my return it became apparent...i am damaged goods. while i have taken some meetings, i haven't signed a new contract. some of my injuries may heal with time, others...not so much. i grapple daily with the after effects of it all.



changes...

for some reason change is constant and drastic in my life. be it friends, lovers, jobs or otherwise...the climate surrounding my days is by and large unpleasant as well as baffling. at least that's how it seems-




i graduated high school but i didn't walk:


yea. i found out AT the graduation ceremony that i wasn't allowed to walk. i got the news from one of my teachers. he was actually one of the root causes of my not walking. it sent me into a fit of anger, seeing as how i was called down to graduation practice everyday leading up to this dog-walk. after i stormed off i remembered, i needed to go and get my father, who was in the bleachers on the far side of the football field. it would likely have been one of the few proud moments he had of me in his fractured memory...ah well. that evening, me and him split a half-pint of jack in his pick-up...and so went my adolescence-





i have in recent time developed some issues with trust:


more often than not...i simply don't believe you. i'm fully aware of the impracticality of it, i also realize that it's not the paramount way to view people...but when action fails to gel with words you get mistrust. when you breed said mistrust with a healthy dose of betrayal you get me. let's review...



trust+betrayal=mistrust


mistrust+words-action=me






see? simple-




on the indy 500:

there seem to be some people in life that like it or not, you can't get rid of. i don't mean in the same way as say...an annoying suitor or a bad influence. i mean the kind of person that is bad for you, and vice versa...and yet, every time they come knocking you'll open the door for them. you'll listen to their sales pitch even if you don't buy it, and in the end you'll be a sucker for it...but damn if you don't enjoy that ride on some twisted level that only you and that person understand-




on maury:

maury povich is fucking up black people's reputation. network tv is leaning solidly toward modern day minstrel proportions. that show reinforces possibly every black stereotype that exists. it's like the spear chucker review every morning and afternoon. there are times when it seems like i'm tuning in just to see if it can get any worse than it already is...it can-







i know, i know. it's random. that's how life is for some of us...a jumble of disjointed, seemingly unrelated events. but you never know, underneath it all there may be some tie that binds it all together.

maybe i was up early, catching a little tv (maury). contemplating the rocky road i call my life (changes). perhaps even lamenting a time long gone (i graduated but...), people and things i've lost (on the indy 500), and the scars that come with the spills i've taken (on trust). at first i may be sad, but soon i realize...that as long as i'm still standing i can always find my way back to a fresh start (i became a free agent again).



work the angles

custamato~

a friendly game of solitaire

as i sit here trying to complete an almost overdue assignment, i find it is hard to concentrate. i have for a while now. my head just isn't into this...i don't think it ever will be. it's just an obligation, like the rest of my life right now. 

obligated to do school work, obligated to do music, obligated to family and friends for various things. all meant to better myself...i don't feel any better though. a less sensitive person might say "well, we're all obligated." that's fine if you think that. there is no denying that the nature of those obligations ranges for everyone on earth. the fact is, there are some obligations which were at one time voluntary...they just turned into mandatory affairs once you decided that that was the correct choice for your life. perfect example: children. a lot of people want children, then, once they have them they go on about how kids are the most supreme of obligations. 

the difference is...raising kids is supposed to be among the most rewarding things a person could do in life. i might be down for that. something that'll pay off. 

i find myself feeling lonely today. i felt a spot of loneliness the other day too. are we foreshadowing the rest of my winter? i don't know...maybe.

i just know it's an unwelcome feeling, but a familiar one all the same. i feel like i'm in an ages long game of solitaire. outside of my window everyone is playing in the street with each other, but you know you can't join in any of the camaraderie. it's a hard feeling to describe...a hard feeling to live with.

newly expelled in other parts of my life, i find myself hoping that something...anything, comes to break the pattern i'm about to live through again. 

life is deja vu.

my friends say it doesn't get any easier...i say it has to. one can't stay stuck at the bottom forever. at some point, they have to taste the height of existence too. that peak is different for everyone...but based on the laws of the land we will all reach it one day.

then we'll all fall back to earth...but we'll always have the memories.

custamato~ 

random thing

i miss adrienne more than she may ever give herself credit for...more than my heart will allow me to suppress.

custamato~

there may be no more a demeaning state of being than having to swallow constant disrespect at the hands of the people who claim to love you most. 

i have to try and believe that one day i'll get out of the situation i am in...that i'll have an ideal one. honestly, in my heart, i don't feel like it is possible. 

on my last legs...

custamato~

money! awesome.

where do i even start?

one never believes that money could bring more problems when you're broke. i can see how that would be. the lack of even a marginal amount of money to live with leaves you unable to focus on the idea in any tangible way. you are incapable of empathy...

i'm finding that even with a small amount the problems begin to surface. 

case and point: i recently received a college return check. it was for 4,300 dollars, pretty nice. my family (of course) wants a piece of this money. so they bother me everyday about calling the credit union that's been assigned to the task of clearing my check. 

a word about this credit union: i previously had an account with these people. eventually i stopped using the account...but they didn't stop charging me inactivity fees. i didn't even want to re-open the damn thing. reluctantly i do and what happens? they inform me that they're taking 300 dollars off top for the inactivity. it's such a racket. when asked how long it takes for an inactive account to be closed out...they said they just don't. they simply continue charging you for something you aren't using. 

so off that 4300 hundred, my family has already cost me 300 by insisting on this course of action. 

OKAY-

now, they ask me everyday if i've called the place to check on the money. multiple times a day. honestly, this wouldn't be such an issue if the harassment weren't under the guise of "help". they're trying to help me get my money faster...really?

if only i could ONE single solitary day without having my intelligence insulted. one can dream i guess.

sick of writing.

custamato~ 

still...

i'm desperately trying to keep my mind off of her...

for reasons i won't explain here, we aren't speaking anymore. i can't help but fear that i'll never hear from her again. that's something i never wished for us.

is it just withdrawl? 

no. 

i've pondered long and hard about that. i came to the conclusion that i genuinely just miss her. as much as you're not supposed to look back with regrets, i do. i wish i could change and alter at my leisure. maybe turn up the magic a bit more...

that thing of ours was by no means a bad one. i just have those nagging memories. the vivid ones of where it went off track. the moments that i screwed up. i wish that i could make it perfect...but maybe that would hurt her more than the imperfection. 

someone always loses.

i wonder how long it'll take before i fade away into obscurity. i wonder if i should stop that from happening. i wonder every single day if i've made the right decision in letting her go...

i wonder if she'd even take me if i decided i had messed up letting her go.

the facts are: i want her back.

i ache for her, and i look at this picture of her and i everyday. i secretly hope she still thinks about me, but i fear she doesn't. i am deathly afraid that i'll run into her some time from now...and her feelings for me will be so far removed that while i look on her with nostalgia and longing for what we had, she will look on me with equal parts detachment and pity for wanting something which has long since passed. 

i am skeptical of this world. i can't say whether or not there is someone here for me, but she may have been as close to it as i will get. yet, the politics of this place have torn us apart in ways we never thought were possible for us.

the confusion only mounts...

if i go after her, and she really isn't who i am meant to be with, then what? do i really even want the things that separated us?

*sigh* when do the answers come?

it pains me to ignore her...and her me. it hurts me so deeply that i have to pause in my tracks and process my thoughts of her like a statue in a museum. my pain and hers are two completely different things though. out of respect for her pain, i stay away.

i don't call, but i want to everyday.
i don't email or text though i am tempted and have almost done. both out of habit, and out of missing her.
i don't send her songs like i want to.

i am paralyzed by her wishes, and polarized by my desires. i have never missed holding someone as genuinely as i do now.

by the time you read this (IF you read this), i'll probably be a figment of what i once was to you. for what it's worth...i look on us as a success on a lot of important levels and i am fond of you, lover and friend, in a more mature way than i have been before. 

i hope you'll find your way back to me soon.

i love you for what i can't have anymore...and what i've already had. for what you were to me.

custamato~

for now...

life is a joke. no point even writing about it anymore...

signing off,

custamato~

orange spice & lemon (twilight)

funny how much changes in so little time...

funny how so little changes in so much time...






tea is lonely now.
without my partner there is less incentive to drink.

inside the bubble we have created for ourselves it is as if we never existed.
outside, in the world...no one knows we don't.

the privacy is my shot at solace.

i listen to the same songs and work the angles looking for a mistake.


soon these songs will be all that's left. at least that's what it feels like at the moment.

it has occurred to me that maybe you just need space, so you can process it all.
unfortunately it is at times the most unbearable silence i've had in months. the meaning of can't live, can't live without.




my cat looks on wondering how we manage to make things so complex. he's right...
we've found our way into one of those situations where no one wins, so we find ways to be content with slowly losing...



i lose you.

you lose me.



the first tear i've shed over this rolls off my eyelid. i think it's time i close them for the night.




i had orange spice. she had lemon.

custamato~

random thing

getting a new blogger template is maaaaad hard.




custamato~

new times roman empire

at what point does sensationalism usurp journalistic integrity?


recently i had the displeasure of arguing my way thru and argument i was never going to win. i am an upcoming artist. not upcoming in the sense that i just started, upcoming in the sense that i'm still after all these years struggling to get heard...but having at least some marginal degree of success to that end.

my issue (which in writing this entry will surely come back to bite me) is the idea that BECAUSE i am not the most powerful predator in the jungle, i must concede to any and every misrepresentation thrown my way. the reason is simple: i don't (or can't afford) to rub someone the wrong way.

what this basically means is that you or anyone who fancies him/herself a "writer", "journalist", etc. can portray me in any light good, bad or otherwise...and i have no right on this earth to defend myself or my stance.


and you know what? that wouldn't even be so bad IF the people around me acknowledged that the portrayal was flawed. unfortunately i don't have that kind of "team" support.

instead, someone decides to remember what happened (in this case, a performance i was involved in) in their own avant-garde way, and THIS is fine. i then make a singular comment on twitter and get persecuted for taking things too far. interesting how that works. this "journalist" took complete liberty in rearranging the events of the night, but somehow should NOT be held accountable. meanwhile, my making a comment on any level about anything this person said is beyond reprehensible behavior. i have now jumped the gun, jumped out the window and off the bus. i've made it a completely personal matter, i now (according to my "team") am CONVINCED there is a personal vendetta against me. by saying something at all, i have demonstrated beyond a shadow of a doubt that i am bitter. i have blown things so far out of proportion that there are sure to be repercussions.

was i annoyed by the "based on a true story" version of things now circulating on the internet? a little...

i am much much more livid by my friend's utter LACK of camaraderie. by his complete acceptance of opinion being passed off as fact, and condemnation of me for having an opinion myself. funny how damaging one comment can be. funny how it doesn't apply when someone other than me is making the comment.


i am currently a college student. i study english. i know all about persuasive arguments. at it's heart a review is a persuasive argument. i also know about journalistic spin. there are numerous reasons for it, none of which ever need to be personal. unfortunately...i'm the only one here who understands that.

writer's are OBLIGATED to be careful with their words. there is NO place for frivolity in journalism!


*sigh*

it doesn't matter anyway does it? if the people in question were to read this, they'd just say i was mad. they'd just say i'm overreacting. they'd miss the ENTIRE point of this entry. to them it's more palatable for me to just be a bitter prick who can't take the fact that someone didn't idolize me. to them i naively stick to a pointless argument...probably JUST for the sake of arguing. to them i seem to be something petty and unintelligent. just someone to patronize and kick down.

unfortunately condescension only carries a person so far...after that, you have to pay for walking the fine line.


we all pay at some point.




p.s.- shout out to all the brown-nosers and nut-huggers, ya'll make it interesting. i would say don't be mad, but come on...you'd be mad no matter what i said wouldn't you? yea...you would.





custamato~

back on the scene...

so i tried my hand at transferring this blog to wordpress. it hasn't been so smooth. this was my intended first post. instead it will be a reintroduction to the current blog.

ONCE AGAIN-




ok back in the saddle. new site, new blog. well...same blog but new-- you get the idea.

i don't know how successful this version of the blog will be. i don't know what changes i'll make to the format and content. that's the fun part though, the mystery and the discovery.









on that note, let's move forward!










custamato~

fallen king

i suppose i now have something to write about. it is a thing less favorable than i would have ever asked for.


general web news travelling the ether tipped me to michael jackson's sudden (to us) collapse. as it does with most life and death situations (see 2pac, b.i.g., luther vandross, etc.) it didn't really strike me as something to be extremely concerned about. our stars are so impactful that they take on an invincibility that the threat of mortality can't renege. we just naturally feel like they will recover, they will beat illness, they won't die tragically...stunningly.

then as twitter comments began to rack up i decided to check on it again. people appeared to be counting him out. mourning prematurely...except that they weren't. another scan revealed a truth i honestly wasn't prepared for.


Michael Jackson: iconic musician, childhood idol, media punchline, consummate enigma was...is dead. at the age of 50.


as silly as it sounds, i kind of don't know what to do with myself. i'm a tad shaken. i GREW UP in the age of thriller and bad and dangerous. my childhood was affected in a real way by his musical contributions. no, i didn't know him. i have never met him either, but consider this: i come from a single parent home. what michael accomplished through song has affected me in a more positive and lasting way than my relationship with my own biological father.

anyone who loved michael will have to prepare themselves for the worst, sadly. the tasteless jokes aren't far off, and you'll probably be put off by them more than you'd care to be.

there will be those who just don't get why you care...or why it's ok that you do.


as the years passed and the fame betrayed him, we forgot what captivated us about him. it's natural i suppose. whether or not he was the person the media portrayed him as, or something altogether different, will go with him to the grave for most of us. i say it's better that way. let the innocent bystanders have their memories. i don't wish to deify the man, but i think most of us can agree his life wasn't without debt- self appreciated or otherwise.


fact is, we will never wrap our brains around the inevitability of their passing. their deaths will continue to be sensational. i've shed my tears as though he were a member of my family, and as my life and times mark another casualty i will certainly move on, like the world...in his absence.


but before i do: here's 1 for Michael Jackson (1958-2009)



THE KING OF POP


now touring in the biggest stadium there will ever be...






custamato~

sleep studies

i think i'm a natural sleep fighter. i fight it more now than i did as a child. at least that's how it seems. maybe i haven't mustered the discipline to just go to bed...as if i'll miss something.

it's such an odd and ultimately miniature concern.

soon my burning the candle will impact me negatively. i'll crash. i will sleep like i'm in cryo and wake up groggy. would it be different if it weren't standard to go to bed at a certain time?


i saw a special on the news about an experiment. a group of teens gave up their computers and cell phones for a week or so. they had all these breakthroughs...and granted, they had extreme habits (texting over a thousand times in a month?! c'mon) but the experiment did have a positive general effect on the teens. they did things they hadn't done before like look at...trees. i know, i know, it sounds silly. but the adage became reality: stop and smell the flowers. i think i should do the same sometime soon.


i know this is random. i just felt like writing.



on that note, i'm up later than i'd like once again. off to bed for me...





custamato~

magic made it...

so it only makes sense that i post my latest opus here too. like we always do at this time-

here it is: You Can Live Thru Anything If Magic Made It: A Has-Lo remix project. *phew* that's a mouthful. as usual there's the divshare link down there, so you can listen to the remix album in its ENTIRETY.

THEN!

you can download it from the link at the bottom. en-f*ckin-joy, people. i had a hell of a time making it for you...





free download ladies and gents:


CLICK THIS PICK!







custamato~

big like L

although i'm mad late, i still wanted to make this post. i got these tribute remixes from my homie Sauce Transportation to commemorate the passing of Big L.

they are a cross between hip hop and electronic, but still hypnotizing and potent. check them out, download them if you like. just something fresh for your ears-

Big L - Flamboyant (sauce t rmx)

Big L - MVP (sauce t rmx)

custamato~

wife in da club...

unfortunately, i'll probably be called angry for saying this. even though that title would simply be unjust, i'll proceed-

what is the deal with this strange fascination with rappers (or artists or whatever it is they fancy themselves) with LAME voices and boring song with contrived lyrics? for some reason ALLLL the guys with ugly voices get the shots. seems to be a trend...

you want a record deal?

here's the best way: get a synth based beat. if you get a synth beat with a lot of reverb on the the bleeps and blips then you'll get that "futuristic" moniker you've secretly been striving for. those other beats...with the samples...no. you have to ABANDON drums and sounds. sounds are DATED, haven't you heard?! not futuristic at all, little guy. now, you've got the futuristic beat, next: the lyrics. you'll need a smidge of contrived soul. add a big dash of swag (we used to call it cool. sometimes we called it flyness but its all just become SOOOO blahzay. we use swag now). it's probably best we get you some surface-level pain too. if we make you seem like your hurting but you're trying your damnedest to keep it crunk...YOU WILL WIN. u have to trust me here. that makes you seem sensitive.

we'll need to fix your voice before you can record though. its just way too...palletable. here, smoke these. they're newports. go on...the whole pack. drink this cheap vodka and come back when you get a cold.

*some time passes*

ah, you're back! lets hear it....

(unimpressive gurgles and throat clearing) 

THAT! more of that nasally-thing is what we want! if you ever let them hear your real voice its over. your real voice sounds like angels cumming, i've never felt such freedom. i thought i would collapse in a writhing mass of quivering ecstasy listening to you. do you think people WANT to be soothed and caressed by your voice? what are you, a pervert? ...alright then, stop acting like one.

lets hear those lyrics. spit 'em out-

ugh *cough* hmurmmm! I MET MY WIFE IN THE CLUB LASTNITE/SHE WAS STACKED AND THA ASS LOOKED RITE/SHE COULDA BEEN MY BOOOOOO/IF I WASN'T STILL THINKIN' BOUT YOUUUUU

1AM AND CLUB IS PACKED/SHAWTY SEE ME THEN SHE PEEPED MY SWAG/ONLY WENT  TO THE CLUB JUST TO GETAWAY/SO I WOULDN'T FEEL LIKE MY HEART TRYIN' TO GETAWAY/AND MAYBE WHILE I'M HERE I CAN GETA DATE/AND SHE CAN LICK DA LOLLIPOP LIKE LIL' WAYNE...

BUT I DON'T AND I WON'T CUZ I CAN'T MAN DAMN I'M STUCK ON HERRRR LIKE WOAAAAAH!

I MET MY WIFE IN THE CLUB LASTNITE/SHE WAS STACKED AND THA ASS LOOKED RITE/SHE COULDA BEEN MY BOOOOOO/IF I WASN'T STILL THINKIN' BOUT YOUUUUU!!!

ok, ok that's enough. 

that.... that was F*CKING great!!! dammit get in that booth and sing that right now! or like, rap some and sing it...you've got it, don't worry about it just get IN THERE! 

6 months later-

great news. every label...EVER wants to know the million dollar question...can you...make another "Met My Wife In Da Club"?

and that folks, is how it goes. real question is: what the HELL am i doing?? i got the formula right here!!

off to smoke some newports.



look out for my next project. it's coming at you in a few days...

custamato~

orange spice & lemon

she pulls up.

i get in.

we go for tea.

we glance at each other over our padded cups, steaming and bubbling.

chatting, we find the words come easily. 

if we don't speak we're okay. the silence isn't uncomfortable.

i rub her arm, poke her playfully.

she smiles, perhaps with adoration. she likes me and doesn't hide it.

i like her too. 

pupils dilated, joints pointing at one another, leaning forward.

we are what we are.

i was afraid this would happen.

of course, it did happen, but that's okay.

seems it was the right thing all along.

i had orange spice.

she had lemon.

custamato~

random thing

i know i've been overdosing on this lately but...i love street fighter 4. i DO NOT however, love the cheap patterns that everyone (except me) seem to be coming up with.

fight fair sometimes. i know it's a foreign concept but, how 'bout you stop picking that one character...and learning that one special move...then trying to trap people up with the SAME move. 

HEY! here's an idea: win with skill instead of slut tactics. too much?

yeeeeeea, i thought so.

my...how they scar your lovely legacy, street fighter. better off playing alone.

custamato~

the cycle of wanting...

another late night...

working on some music. i don't have long to play at this point. it's just about 2am...my nightly cut-off time. due to an inflated electric bill i am grounded by strict house rules. honestly, it's maddening. music is an impulse based animal. if i don't have the freedom to bend to those impulses, it takes the feeling out of the whole process.

i've been cracking away at a little weekend project (that's taking longer than a weekend). i think it could be something funky to listen to, but man...i can't wait until my recording rig is up to spec. i'm doing everything the long way. there is no convenience to be found in my technology. the fact that there IS technology at my disposal is why i brave the tedium. less than 4 months ago i was wishing for just enough to allow me to project my creativity out to the world. now i have "just enough"...but it's not. the cycle of wanting doesn't end i suppose, it just resets.

another piece of the puzzle in the books, i'll be heading off to bed soon. one can only hope that whoever listens "gets" what i'm trying to do here. one can only hope that if no one does "get" it, i'm not as saddened as i have been in the past. finding that key demo that connects with what you do artistically is difficult. i seek love as though i have never known it...and when i get it, it's likely i'll just wish for more than love.

the cycle of wanting does not end. it just resets, i suppose.

shine.

custamato~

off the books...

royce. elzhi. supastition-





the original:

my version:

more soon...

custamato~