as i sit here trying to complete an almost overdue assignment, i find it is hard to concentrate. i have for a while now. my head just isn't into this...i don't think it ever will be. it's just an obligation, like the rest of my life right now.
obligated to do school work, obligated to do music, obligated to family and friends for various things. all meant to better myself...i don't feel any better though. a less sensitive person might say "well, we're all obligated." that's fine if you think that. there is no denying that the nature of those obligations ranges for everyone on earth. the fact is, there are some obligations which were at one time voluntary...they just turned into mandatory affairs once you decided that that was the correct choice for your life. perfect example: children. a lot of people want children, then, once they have them they go on about how kids are the most supreme of obligations.
the difference is...raising kids is supposed to be among the most rewarding things a person could do in life. i might be down for that. something that'll pay off.
i find myself feeling lonely today. i felt a spot of loneliness the other day too. are we foreshadowing the rest of my winter? i don't know...maybe.
i just know it's an unwelcome feeling, but a familiar one all the same. i feel like i'm in an ages long game of solitaire. outside of my window everyone is playing in the street with each other, but you know you can't join in any of the camaraderie. it's a hard feeling to describe...a hard feeling to live with.
newly expelled in other parts of my life, i find myself hoping that something...anything, comes to break the pattern i'm about to live through again.
life is deja vu.
my friends say it doesn't get any easier...i say it has to. one can't stay stuck at the bottom forever. at some point, they have to taste the height of existence too. that peak is different for everyone...but based on the laws of the land we will all reach it one day.
then we'll all fall back to earth...but we'll always have the memories.