still...

i'm desperately trying to keep my mind off of her...

for reasons i won't explain here, we aren't speaking anymore. i can't help but fear that i'll never hear from her again. that's something i never wished for us.

is it just withdrawl? 

no. 

i've pondered long and hard about that. i came to the conclusion that i genuinely just miss her. as much as you're not supposed to look back with regrets, i do. i wish i could change and alter at my leisure. maybe turn up the magic a bit more...

that thing of ours was by no means a bad one. i just have those nagging memories. the vivid ones of where it went off track. the moments that i screwed up. i wish that i could make it perfect...but maybe that would hurt her more than the imperfection. 

someone always loses.

i wonder how long it'll take before i fade away into obscurity. i wonder if i should stop that from happening. i wonder every single day if i've made the right decision in letting her go...

i wonder if she'd even take me if i decided i had messed up letting her go.

the facts are: i want her back.

i ache for her, and i look at this picture of her and i everyday. i secretly hope she still thinks about me, but i fear she doesn't. i am deathly afraid that i'll run into her some time from now...and her feelings for me will be so far removed that while i look on her with nostalgia and longing for what we had, she will look on me with equal parts detachment and pity for wanting something which has long since passed. 

i am skeptical of this world. i can't say whether or not there is someone here for me, but she may have been as close to it as i will get. yet, the politics of this place have torn us apart in ways we never thought were possible for us.

the confusion only mounts...

if i go after her, and she really isn't who i am meant to be with, then what? do i really even want the things that separated us?

*sigh* when do the answers come?

it pains me to ignore her...and her me. it hurts me so deeply that i have to pause in my tracks and process my thoughts of her like a statue in a museum. my pain and hers are two completely different things though. out of respect for her pain, i stay away.

i don't call, but i want to everyday.
i don't email or text though i am tempted and have almost done. both out of habit, and out of missing her.
i don't send her songs like i want to.

i am paralyzed by her wishes, and polarized by my desires. i have never missed holding someone as genuinely as i do now.

by the time you read this (IF you read this), i'll probably be a figment of what i once was to you. for what it's worth...i look on us as a success on a lot of important levels and i am fond of you, lover and friend, in a more mature way than i have been before. 

i hope you'll find your way back to me soon.

i love you for what i can't have anymore...and what i've already had. for what you were to me.

custamato~