Tuesday, November 10, 2009

still...

i'm desperately trying to keep my mind off of her...



for reasons i won't explain here, we aren't speaking anymore. i can't help but fear that i'll never hear from her again. that's something i never wished for us.

is it just withdrawl? 

no. 

i've pondered long and hard about that. i came to the conclusion that i genuinely just miss her. as much as you're not supposed to look back with regrets, i do. i wish i could change and alter at my leisure. maybe turn up the magic a bit more...

that thing of ours was by no means a bad one. i just have those nagging memories. the vivid ones of where it went off track. the moments that i screwed up. i wish that i could make it perfect...but maybe that would hurt her more than the imperfection. 


someone always loses.



i wonder how long it'll take before i fade away into obscurity. i wonder if i should stop that from happening. i wonder every single day if i've made the right decision in letting her go...

i wonder if she'd even take me if i decided i had messed up letting her go.


the facts are: i want her back.

i ache for her, and i look at this picture of her and i everyday. i secretly hope she still thinks about me, but i fear she doesn't. i am deathly afraid that i'll run into her some time from now...and her feelings for me will be so far removed that while i look on her with nostalgia and longing for what we had, she will look on me with equal parts detachment and pity for wanting something which has long since passed. 

i am skeptical of this world. i can't say whether or not there is someone here for me, but she may have been as close to it as i will get. yet, the politics of this place have torn us apart in ways we never thought were possible for us.


the confusion only mounts...

if i go after her, and she really isn't who i am meant to be with, then what? do i really even want the things that separated us?

*sigh* when do the answers come?


it pains me to ignore her...and her me. it hurts me so deeply that i have to pause in my tracks and process my thoughts of her like a statue in a museum. my pain and hers are two completely different things though. out of respect for her pain, i stay away.

i don't call, but i want to everyday.
i don't email or text though i am tempted and have almost done. both out of habit, and out of missing her.
i don't send her songs like i want to.



i am paralyzed by her wishes, and polarized by my desires. i have never missed holding someone as genuinely as i do now.


by the time you read this (IF you read this), i'll probably be a figment of what i once was to you. for what it's worth...i look on us as a success on a lot of important levels and i am fond of you, lover and friend, in a more mature way than i have been before. 

i hope you'll find your way back to me soon.



i love you for what i can't have anymore...and what i've already had. for what you were to me.




custamato~

1 comment:

Unknown said...

It's funny, I had this dream about my ex and then I just wanted to look him up. This found me.


Love will find you once again,you'll see but you gotta stick it in for you and no one else. Gotta let go or it will harm the next girl in your heart.
------------------
This is my story:
Was never his girl, never wanted to be or thought it that way just wanted my friend the friend that never gave me the time of day.

I'm not mad. Was hurt real bad because he moved on so quick and into a relationship that he so did not want.
Don't hurt anymore. I forgive him but moved on. Not angry or bitter.
Still think he's beautiful and an I-ll muscian, always will and yes I would meet him for coffee.
hope this helped?
-A