it occurs to me that i haven't updated a whole lot in these moments leading up to '09. honestly, i haven't had much to say.
life seems to be on hold for me at times. all the exciting things either take a back seat to something else, or never come to pass. i don't know if the rest of you go through the same things as me. i do know that routines don't add up to a healthy sense of freedom for me. i never wanted a rinse-repeat kind of life for myself.
i have been trying to spot patterns in things for the last few years. you might call them cycles...same difference. there is one thing that i think i can safely say. i am trapped in a pattern, or cycle...same...difference. when something exciting gets my boxer-briefs in a bunch, i sit with bated breath as it all plays out. however, as random as it may seem, the fact that things are not playing out is a pattern. a suffocating, frustrating pattern.
if one were a gambler, one could possibly win money betting that i'm impatient. this is true. of course, one has to take into account the amount of time i spent in wishful thinking because knowledge wasn't readily available to me.
i'm what you might call a dreamer. i dream big and often but never a dream that is inconceivable. here i am years later, finding out that info IS available...but i'm stuck dialing up to get it in a fiber optic age. it comes when it wants, and only in a sloooooow trickle. that's cool i guess. at least its coming, but jesus...the years wasted.
i know some of you may read this and think: I would just GO OUT and GET what I needed. ME, ME, ME.
well...as founder, and sole writer on this site- i am truly sorry, oh lord of all worlds. i am simply not as advanced as ye, flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood. some of us need a little more to move on than blind ambition. some of us aren't driven in the same way as others. we all aren't wired the same. that doesn't make us or me less worthy, it just makes us (or me) different.
that said, please tuck your face back in your ass and move onto another blog. i don't need your healing hand here. thanks.
maybe it's just '09 jitters. maybe it's life jitters. i'm just sick of having talent only to find out that talent doesn't get you anywhere. some of us were born to be artist, or entertainers...some of us were born to watch artists and entertainers live our dreams for us. that just doesn't sound right. art shouldn't be a royal hierarchy set aside for the rich and/or connected.
it should be for artists.