money! awesome.

where do i even start?

one never believes that money could bring more problems when you're broke. i can see how that would be. the lack of even a marginal amount of money to live with leaves you unable to focus on the idea in any tangible way. you are incapable of empathy...

i'm finding that even with a small amount the problems begin to surface. 

case and point: i recently received a college return check. it was for 4,300 dollars, pretty nice. my family (of course) wants a piece of this money. so they bother me everyday about calling the credit union that's been assigned to the task of clearing my check. 

a word about this credit union: i previously had an account with these people. eventually i stopped using the account...but they didn't stop charging me inactivity fees. i didn't even want to re-open the damn thing. reluctantly i do and what happens? they inform me that they're taking 300 dollars off top for the inactivity. it's such a racket. when asked how long it takes for an inactive account to be closed out...they said they just don't. they simply continue charging you for something you aren't using. 

so off that 4300 hundred, my family has already cost me 300 by insisting on this course of action. 

OKAY-

now, they ask me everyday if i've called the place to check on the money. multiple times a day. honestly, this wouldn't be such an issue if the harassment weren't under the guise of "help". they're trying to help me get my money faster...really?

if only i could ONE single solitary day without having my intelligence insulted. one can dream i guess.

sick of writing.

custamato~ 

still...

i'm desperately trying to keep my mind off of her...

for reasons i won't explain here, we aren't speaking anymore. i can't help but fear that i'll never hear from her again. that's something i never wished for us.

is it just withdrawl? 

no. 

i've pondered long and hard about that. i came to the conclusion that i genuinely just miss her. as much as you're not supposed to look back with regrets, i do. i wish i could change and alter at my leisure. maybe turn up the magic a bit more...

that thing of ours was by no means a bad one. i just have those nagging memories. the vivid ones of where it went off track. the moments that i screwed up. i wish that i could make it perfect...but maybe that would hurt her more than the imperfection. 

someone always loses.

i wonder how long it'll take before i fade away into obscurity. i wonder if i should stop that from happening. i wonder every single day if i've made the right decision in letting her go...

i wonder if she'd even take me if i decided i had messed up letting her go.

the facts are: i want her back.

i ache for her, and i look at this picture of her and i everyday. i secretly hope she still thinks about me, but i fear she doesn't. i am deathly afraid that i'll run into her some time from now...and her feelings for me will be so far removed that while i look on her with nostalgia and longing for what we had, she will look on me with equal parts detachment and pity for wanting something which has long since passed. 

i am skeptical of this world. i can't say whether or not there is someone here for me, but she may have been as close to it as i will get. yet, the politics of this place have torn us apart in ways we never thought were possible for us.

the confusion only mounts...

if i go after her, and she really isn't who i am meant to be with, then what? do i really even want the things that separated us?

*sigh* when do the answers come?

it pains me to ignore her...and her me. it hurts me so deeply that i have to pause in my tracks and process my thoughts of her like a statue in a museum. my pain and hers are two completely different things though. out of respect for her pain, i stay away.

i don't call, but i want to everyday.
i don't email or text though i am tempted and have almost done. both out of habit, and out of missing her.
i don't send her songs like i want to.

i am paralyzed by her wishes, and polarized by my desires. i have never missed holding someone as genuinely as i do now.

by the time you read this (IF you read this), i'll probably be a figment of what i once was to you. for what it's worth...i look on us as a success on a lot of important levels and i am fond of you, lover and friend, in a more mature way than i have been before. 

i hope you'll find your way back to me soon.

i love you for what i can't have anymore...and what i've already had. for what you were to me.

custamato~

for now...

life is a joke. no point even writing about it anymore...

signing off,

custamato~

orange spice & lemon (twilight)

funny how much changes in so little time...

funny how so little changes in so much time...






tea is lonely now.
without my partner there is less incentive to drink.

inside the bubble we have created for ourselves it is as if we never existed.
outside, in the world...no one knows we don't.

the privacy is my shot at solace.

i listen to the same songs and work the angles looking for a mistake.


soon these songs will be all that's left. at least that's what it feels like at the moment.

it has occurred to me that maybe you just need space, so you can process it all.
unfortunately it is at times the most unbearable silence i've had in months. the meaning of can't live, can't live without.




my cat looks on wondering how we manage to make things so complex. he's right...
we've found our way into one of those situations where no one wins, so we find ways to be content with slowly losing...



i lose you.

you lose me.



the first tear i've shed over this rolls off my eyelid. i think it's time i close them for the night.




i had orange spice. she had lemon.

custamato~

random thing

getting a new blogger template is maaaaad hard.




custamato~

new times roman empire

at what point does sensationalism usurp journalistic integrity?


recently i had the displeasure of arguing my way thru and argument i was never going to win. i am an upcoming artist. not upcoming in the sense that i just started, upcoming in the sense that i'm still after all these years struggling to get heard...but having at least some marginal degree of success to that end.

my issue (which in writing this entry will surely come back to bite me) is the idea that BECAUSE i am not the most powerful predator in the jungle, i must concede to any and every misrepresentation thrown my way. the reason is simple: i don't (or can't afford) to rub someone the wrong way.

what this basically means is that you or anyone who fancies him/herself a "writer", "journalist", etc. can portray me in any light good, bad or otherwise...and i have no right on this earth to defend myself or my stance.


and you know what? that wouldn't even be so bad IF the people around me acknowledged that the portrayal was flawed. unfortunately i don't have that kind of "team" support.

instead, someone decides to remember what happened (in this case, a performance i was involved in) in their own avant-garde way, and THIS is fine. i then make a singular comment on twitter and get persecuted for taking things too far. interesting how that works. this "journalist" took complete liberty in rearranging the events of the night, but somehow should NOT be held accountable. meanwhile, my making a comment on any level about anything this person said is beyond reprehensible behavior. i have now jumped the gun, jumped out the window and off the bus. i've made it a completely personal matter, i now (according to my "team") am CONVINCED there is a personal vendetta against me. by saying something at all, i have demonstrated beyond a shadow of a doubt that i am bitter. i have blown things so far out of proportion that there are sure to be repercussions.

was i annoyed by the "based on a true story" version of things now circulating on the internet? a little...

i am much much more livid by my friend's utter LACK of camaraderie. by his complete acceptance of opinion being passed off as fact, and condemnation of me for having an opinion myself. funny how damaging one comment can be. funny how it doesn't apply when someone other than me is making the comment.


i am currently a college student. i study english. i know all about persuasive arguments. at it's heart a review is a persuasive argument. i also know about journalistic spin. there are numerous reasons for it, none of which ever need to be personal. unfortunately...i'm the only one here who understands that.

writer's are OBLIGATED to be careful with their words. there is NO place for frivolity in journalism!


*sigh*

it doesn't matter anyway does it? if the people in question were to read this, they'd just say i was mad. they'd just say i'm overreacting. they'd miss the ENTIRE point of this entry. to them it's more palatable for me to just be a bitter prick who can't take the fact that someone didn't idolize me. to them i naively stick to a pointless argument...probably JUST for the sake of arguing. to them i seem to be something petty and unintelligent. just someone to patronize and kick down.

unfortunately condescension only carries a person so far...after that, you have to pay for walking the fine line.


we all pay at some point.




p.s.- shout out to all the brown-nosers and nut-huggers, ya'll make it interesting. i would say don't be mad, but come on...you'd be mad no matter what i said wouldn't you? yea...you would.





custamato~

back on the scene...

so i tried my hand at transferring this blog to wordpress. it hasn't been so smooth. this was my intended first post. instead it will be a reintroduction to the current blog.

ONCE AGAIN-




ok back in the saddle. new site, new blog. well...same blog but new-- you get the idea.

i don't know how successful this version of the blog will be. i don't know what changes i'll make to the format and content. that's the fun part though, the mystery and the discovery.









on that note, let's move forward!










custamato~