a friendly game of solitaire

as i sit here trying to complete an almost overdue assignment, i find it is hard to concentrate. i have for a while now. my head just isn't into this...i don't think it ever will be. it's just an obligation, like the rest of my life right now. 

obligated to do school work, obligated to do music, obligated to family and friends for various things. all meant to better myself...i don't feel any better though. a less sensitive person might say "well, we're all obligated." that's fine if you think that. there is no denying that the nature of those obligations ranges for everyone on earth. the fact is, there are some obligations which were at one time voluntary...they just turned into mandatory affairs once you decided that that was the correct choice for your life. perfect example: children. a lot of people want children, then, once they have them they go on about how kids are the most supreme of obligations. 

the difference is...raising kids is supposed to be among the most rewarding things a person could do in life. i might be down for that. something that'll pay off. 

i find myself feeling lonely today. i felt a spot of loneliness the other day too. are we foreshadowing the rest of my winter? i don't know...maybe.

i just know it's an unwelcome feeling, but a familiar one all the same. i feel like i'm in an ages long game of solitaire. outside of my window everyone is playing in the street with each other, but you know you can't join in any of the camaraderie. it's a hard feeling to describe...a hard feeling to live with.

newly expelled in other parts of my life, i find myself hoping that something...anything, comes to break the pattern i'm about to live through again. 

life is deja vu.

my friends say it doesn't get any easier...i say it has to. one can't stay stuck at the bottom forever. at some point, they have to taste the height of existence too. that peak is different for everyone...but based on the laws of the land we will all reach it one day.

then we'll all fall back to earth...but we'll always have the memories.

custamato~ 

random thing

i miss adrienne more than she may ever give herself credit for...more than my heart will allow me to suppress.

custamato~

there may be no more a demeaning state of being than having to swallow constant disrespect at the hands of the people who claim to love you most. 

i have to try and believe that one day i'll get out of the situation i am in...that i'll have an ideal one. honestly, in my heart, i don't feel like it is possible. 

on my last legs...

custamato~

money! awesome.

where do i even start?

one never believes that money could bring more problems when you're broke. i can see how that would be. the lack of even a marginal amount of money to live with leaves you unable to focus on the idea in any tangible way. you are incapable of empathy...

i'm finding that even with a small amount the problems begin to surface. 

case and point: i recently received a college return check. it was for 4,300 dollars, pretty nice. my family (of course) wants a piece of this money. so they bother me everyday about calling the credit union that's been assigned to the task of clearing my check. 

a word about this credit union: i previously had an account with these people. eventually i stopped using the account...but they didn't stop charging me inactivity fees. i didn't even want to re-open the damn thing. reluctantly i do and what happens? they inform me that they're taking 300 dollars off top for the inactivity. it's such a racket. when asked how long it takes for an inactive account to be closed out...they said they just don't. they simply continue charging you for something you aren't using. 

so off that 4300 hundred, my family has already cost me 300 by insisting on this course of action. 

OKAY-

now, they ask me everyday if i've called the place to check on the money. multiple times a day. honestly, this wouldn't be such an issue if the harassment weren't under the guise of "help". they're trying to help me get my money faster...really?

if only i could ONE single solitary day without having my intelligence insulted. one can dream i guess.

sick of writing.

custamato~ 

still...

i'm desperately trying to keep my mind off of her...

for reasons i won't explain here, we aren't speaking anymore. i can't help but fear that i'll never hear from her again. that's something i never wished for us.

is it just withdrawl? 

no. 

i've pondered long and hard about that. i came to the conclusion that i genuinely just miss her. as much as you're not supposed to look back with regrets, i do. i wish i could change and alter at my leisure. maybe turn up the magic a bit more...

that thing of ours was by no means a bad one. i just have those nagging memories. the vivid ones of where it went off track. the moments that i screwed up. i wish that i could make it perfect...but maybe that would hurt her more than the imperfection. 

someone always loses.

i wonder how long it'll take before i fade away into obscurity. i wonder if i should stop that from happening. i wonder every single day if i've made the right decision in letting her go...

i wonder if she'd even take me if i decided i had messed up letting her go.

the facts are: i want her back.

i ache for her, and i look at this picture of her and i everyday. i secretly hope she still thinks about me, but i fear she doesn't. i am deathly afraid that i'll run into her some time from now...and her feelings for me will be so far removed that while i look on her with nostalgia and longing for what we had, she will look on me with equal parts detachment and pity for wanting something which has long since passed. 

i am skeptical of this world. i can't say whether or not there is someone here for me, but she may have been as close to it as i will get. yet, the politics of this place have torn us apart in ways we never thought were possible for us.

the confusion only mounts...

if i go after her, and she really isn't who i am meant to be with, then what? do i really even want the things that separated us?

*sigh* when do the answers come?

it pains me to ignore her...and her me. it hurts me so deeply that i have to pause in my tracks and process my thoughts of her like a statue in a museum. my pain and hers are two completely different things though. out of respect for her pain, i stay away.

i don't call, but i want to everyday.
i don't email or text though i am tempted and have almost done. both out of habit, and out of missing her.
i don't send her songs like i want to.

i am paralyzed by her wishes, and polarized by my desires. i have never missed holding someone as genuinely as i do now.

by the time you read this (IF you read this), i'll probably be a figment of what i once was to you. for what it's worth...i look on us as a success on a lot of important levels and i am fond of you, lover and friend, in a more mature way than i have been before. 

i hope you'll find your way back to me soon.

i love you for what i can't have anymore...and what i've already had. for what you were to me.

custamato~

for now...

life is a joke. no point even writing about it anymore...

signing off,

custamato~