it occurs to me that i haven't updated a whole lot in these moments leading up to '09. honestly, i haven't had much to say.
life seems to be on hold for me at times. all the exciting things either take a back seat to something else, or never come to pass. i don't know if the rest of you go through the same things as me. i do know that routines don't add up to a healthy sense of freedom for me. i never wanted a rinse-repeat kind of life for myself.
i have been trying to spot patterns in things for the last few years. you might call them cycles...same difference. there is one thing that i think i can safely say. i am trapped in a pattern, or cycle...same...difference. when something exciting gets my boxer-briefs in a bunch, i sit with bated breath as it all plays out. however, as random as it may seem, the fact that things are not playing out is a pattern. a suffocating, frustrating pattern.
if one were a gambler, one could possibly win money betting that i'm impatient. this is true. of course, one has to take into account the amount of time i spent in wishful thinking because knowledge wasn't readily available to me.
i'm what you might call a dreamer. i dream big and often but never a dream that is inconceivable. here i am years later, finding out that info IS available...but i'm stuck dialing up to get it in a fiber optic age. it comes when it wants, and only in a sloooooow trickle. that's cool i guess. at least its coming, but jesus...the years wasted.
i know some of you may read this and think: I would just GO OUT and GET what I needed. ME, ME, ME.
well...as founder, and sole writer on this site- i am truly sorry, oh lord of all worlds. i am simply not as advanced as ye, flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood. some of us need a little more to move on than blind ambition. some of us aren't driven in the same way as others. we all aren't wired the same. that doesn't make us or me less worthy, it just makes us (or me) different.
that said, please tuck your face back in your ass and move onto another blog. i don't need your healing hand here. thanks.
*sigh*
maybe it's just '09 jitters. maybe it's life jitters. i'm just sick of having talent only to find out that talent doesn't get you anywhere. some of us were born to be artist, or entertainers...some of us were born to watch artists and entertainers live our dreams for us. that just doesn't sound right. art shouldn't be a royal hierarchy set aside for the rich and/or connected.
i've been wanting to get back into my college frame of mind for over a year now. i've finally managed to scrap my way back into a class.
in a few short months i'll be back on the frontlines. a fulltime student again.
the seasons are changing. so are our dispositions. interesting to watch. there is something rueful about the switch from summer to fall. still, there is a beauty surrounding the time for me. i think i'm more comfortable in the frigid months as it is. everything will die soon...physically and figuratively. those deaths will give way to new breakthroughs, new loves, new lives.
pain as an afrodisiac.
next spring we will all pretend we are ok because the sun is out and everyone sees us.
a little while ago i wrote a post (look at me, look at you). i didn't think anyone would really pay attention to it. but in fact someone was paying attention. i got this insightful comment that i'm going to share with the rest of you-
rrougher says: Responsibility these days is like a ripped piece of paper someone has, that they tape to a piece of paper you have, and then disown their piece. Because in that way they take credit for identifying the problem, admit to being involved, and pretend like they have helped fixed it in some way.
But having stuck the responsibility tape to someone else, have performed their responsibility and are no longer responsible.
These same people go around critiquing what you do. Making it their business when they weren't even involved in the first place. Taking credit for what you did or belittling it, either way, ripping little pieces off your sheet of paper. Which is how these people get their damn scraps of paper in the first place.
Because no one wants to be responsible but everyone wants to have an opinion. Which is stupid because opinions are transient, only existing for a brief moment when expressed and even then are essentially worthless.
I think we need to stop taking responsibility and start taking some fucking action. Like Mos said 'don't talk about it be about it' and 'freedom ain't free' so you better go out and make some moves cause your going to have to spend more than your piece of shit opinion to get it.
truuuue.
-custamato
ps- sometimes if i don't notice that i've gotten a comment. if i haven't posted in a while i won't know that i have one until i log in next.
but better late then never. if you comment, i WILL see it sooner or later so...rest assured, i hear you talking.
i'm pretty proud of this ep and the response its gotten so far. it was a lot of fun to make. i took a trip to albany and recorded it in roughly 48 hours. the fastest i've ever put a project down.
the whole thing has a fun vibe that was born from that spontaneity. i did some of the production at home, some while i was in new york. wrote some of the ep at home, some in new york...
it clocks in a little shorter than my last (which was "f*ck has day" if you don't know). 20:32 seconds to be exact.
so, here it is: Small Metal Objects
(in case you don't trust your boy and you want to listen to it first)
as a matter of fact...let me give you the track by track break down. i haven't done that before:
it was my second time in albany, ny. i was there visiting my dudes deejay tone and awar. i was kicking around the idea of a follow up ep. i was going to originally do it on a digi 8-track that a friend of mine let me hold. tone told me to just wait til i get there and we'd knock it out in his studio. who am i to say no to that? his set up is official- see?
we screwed around for most of the week, got some other stuff out of the way, then set out (in the last 2 days that i was there) to record the 'small metal objects' ep...
1. intro- the very last thing i did for the ep. i had a sample in mind but i didn't think it would work. i had done a trial version of this loop earlier and didn't like the way it sounded. i decided to try again real quick and it looped up real nice that time. everyone in the studio with me just looked at me like "wtf are u talking about, Has?"
2. ain't got it in ya- i did this beat in my basement in philly. i wanted to do something similar to certain dilla beats where he'd chop the sample up, but wouldn't add drums. he'd just let the drums in the sample act as the pattern. i chopped this sample up and rearranged it, let the drums in the sample rock. added the 808 for some bottom...nice. my man deejay tone put together the crazy switch into the o.g. i wrote part of that song in the studio.
3. small metal objects- again i laced that in my basement. i had this record that i wanted to use for a long time but i was never satisfied with what i came up with. so i would leave it alone, come back to it later. for whatever reason, i wanted to rock over that break. i hooked it, then i need something to go over it. i pulled that record and listened to it AGAIN. i finally figured out a way to lace it that felt good. i wanted this beat to have a strange, mysterious quality. i think it worked out. i wrote the song in albany. i got a rough version of the beat, and i stayed up all night writing it. it was hard to come up with the lyrics to that one for some reason...
4. the quiet things- about my ex. anyone who's been through a bad breakup knows the peaks and vallies that come with it. one day your fine, the next day you miss her so much you ache. this was the catalyst for s.m.o. i had this song that broke down into this part...it touched me, maaaan. i threw my usual rules out the window for this one. some deep drums made this one thump. i wrote this one at home in philly. it kinda just flowed from the pen. this became a favorite on the ep.
5. inhuman interlude- made this beat at home. used some new techniques on that beat. it came out fresh. originally i wanted to do a posse cut with this one. it just didn't pan out though. i searched for a rhyme to throw over this beat but i didn't find anything i was satisfied with and i didn't have time to write anything new. a friend from college left me a voicemail about f*ck has day. he went on a drunk rant and i thought it was hilarious. i always saved it with the intention of using it on something and it worked really well on here.
6. dogma- i made this beat in albany. i was gonna put a different song on the ep. an old song called 'sub ether'. i had a sample in mind for it but as i was looking for it i came across these strings and stopped to fiddle around with them. about 15 later i had the beat for dogma. i usually don't make beats that fast but it happened and i just went with it. the rhyme was for a song with another rapper. it had no chance of ever being done so i took it, switched some stuff around and added some bars. it was too fly to let go to waste. i asked awar to hop on the track and it came out real retarded. deejay tone let me use this story record he had to add the little quotes. classic.
7. the commentary pt.1- while i looked for a rhyme for the inhuman beat deejay tone looked through some old pro tools sessions he had recently rediscovered. one of them had the sample for what would become the commentary. as it played i spit that rhyme and a few bars in we stopped dead in our tracks, shut the door to the studio and went in. he parallel double parked that beat sideways. it's the only track on the ep that i did not produce. it's also a big favorite from the ep.
8. small metal outro- another one i did in albany. me and tone went record shopping and picked up some crazy crate gems. when we got back to the crib, i grabbed this from one of the records i picked up. hooked it up on site in the studio. later when we were wrapping the ep up, i got in the studio and just said whatever came to mind. as a side note, we'd been watching that eli porter video real heavy while i was in albany. in this track i shout out envy, marv-o, and eli himself. i also quote some things from the video. on the title track awar, deejay tone and his friend, heath, lent us some vocal ambiance for the intro to the song...heath also quotes the video.
speaking of videos, here's the video (if you haven't seen...or have) i put together for "the quiet things":
here are some fun facts about me, my family, and 'friends':
1. my family and friends spend a sizable part of our existence ensuring that we don't coexist peacefully. they do this by refusing to live and let live. instead they find any and every opportunity to drill into my head that i and all that i am emotionally invested in, or believe is wrong. it breeds deep contempt on my part. i resent that i can not think and feel as i like...as i allow them to. it always ends in an argument or me conceding defeat in some way so as not to have to argue.
2. i was an only child. i was not spoiled. as an only child i was alone a lot. i value privacy and space.
3. that having been said, i wish i did not have to deal with many of the people that i do. they are, for the most part, passive/aggressive pricks. if i'm nice to them, they're suspicious. if i speak to them, they're nasty. if i don't, they're offended. fuck them all...how many of them are gonna cry for me when i'm gone? i think, not many.
this next part is not so much an admission about me, and family/friendly strained relationships than it is words of advice:
1. don't bother yourself with acknowledging other's points of view. don't value their opinions. don't take any responsibility for your own actions.
why?
because other people don't acknowledge YOURS, they more often than not don't value YOUR opinion and they never take responsibility for THEIR actions.
i spent a lot of time having this whole 'take responsibility for your actions' bullshit drilled into my head. so much so that i now have a complex about it. yet, no one ever takes responsibility for their actions or shortcomings...they just spend the whole time pointing out yours...over and over and over again.
2. don't be afraid to take a 'fuck you' stance on someone. your 'friends' more than likely say that about you all the time. and i can guarantee they take that stance on you more often than makes you comfortable.
3. don't let your friends gas you into thinking they're really there for you. for a while i tried to oppose the stance that you're born alone and you will die that way. but this was mainly because as selfish as my immediate family and my so-called close friends think i am, i am not selfish. i just don't have a lot. to the person who equates money with emotional support, this can be jarring. if they took you to the movies and paid for it...you can expect them to throw it in your face at some point in your relationship. however, the countless nights you stayed up late with them while they cried on the phone about some asshole...well, let's just say, the only way to get brownie points with most people is to 'buy' them. don't expect them to remember the positive things you bring to the relationship.
if you guys can't 'trade dollars' then you're probably not as close as you think. true story-
since i'm sure someone will be offended after reading this, i'll save any other thoughts for another post or something. to the people offended in reading this, go get your own blog. call it 'Fuck Has' or something clever like that. i'd read that...in fact you can use the links to my ep and give it to people. yea! tell them to download it and join in on the fuckfest. FUCK HAS!!
i gotta stop lining up so many projects at once. if you don't know, i'm a rapper (if you really didn't know, shame on you).
i have a tendency to plan and begin projects only to abandon them for some reason of other. i've had a change happen deep in my cold heart though. for a while now i have resigned myself to finishing each and every one of these ideas and albums no matter how long it takes. of course time is not always on my side.
so my list is as follows (in no order)-
1. Has-Lo - Cold War lp
2. Has-Lo - C.O.B.R/A lp
3. Has-Lo/Small Professor - Dead End Kids lp
4. Has-Lo - In Case I Don't Make It lp
5. The Train & Dial - Gods and Pets and Robots
that's my release therapy for the next 2 years about...give or take.
well...back to writing for me and small pro's opus. a lot of funny stories will undoubtedly come from this one so stay tuned...all 2 of you.
here's one for you einsteins that know it all about life: eat a dick
here's one for you bum bitches that think you're so special because you look good: eat a dick
here's one for for you fake motherfuckers with your tired ass observations about how i'm living: eat a fucking dick
here's one for you geniuses who find pleasure in stating the obvious: eat a dick
and the assholes who try and play you so they feel better about their meaningless lives: eat a dick
here's one for you pea brains with whom i've wasted precious time i'll never get back, listening to your weak ass problems, only to have the favor not be repayed when i needed to talk to somebody:
eat.
a.
goddamn.
dick.
dig a hole. go fall in.
you've all succefully made me more jaded about people than i already am. so here's where we go from here: don't expect me to give a fuck about you or your problems. if you need someone to talk to, pay me. otherwise, fuck yourself.
if what you have to say doesn't gel with me, don't be surprised if i completely cut you off. if you think you're so important that i'll be hurt somehow by never speaking to you again in life...go mouth-fuck a magnum. it's been a loooong time since i met anyone i cared that much about.
thank you all for making life just a little bit more tedious. i appreciate it.
i hope you die, i hope your cunt-mouth mothers and fathers die, i hope your sisters get fist fucked before your eyes, i hope your brothers commit suicide.
wait...
take it back i hope you don't die. i hope you live to see your family disentegrate and live in helpless agony for the rest of your lives...and i hope i'm there to see it all.
there is someone i miss right now. not the usual suspect...she's kind of a wrap at this point. i mean, you never know how your feelings for a person will pester you in the future but for now...eh, i digress. it's not the person any of you who know me would think it is.
the arsonist plays with fire. i am an arsonist i suppose.
or is it my inquisitive and curious nature as an aquarius? i'm not a huge astrology person but still, if the cosmic shoe fits.
ha, funny. an air sign (that's me, the aquarius) playing with fire...get it? yea. that's a doosy. doozey? however that's spelled.
i got an email from someone today. the email was an attempt at comedy, but i didn't even crack a smile while reading it.
it was supposed to be an email conversation between some couple. a girl (who cheated) and a guy (who has a "hilarious response"). according to his response, there was some kind of weak justification on her part...which makes sense. there aren't many people who can operate without the aid of some sort of scapegoating for their actions.
still...i felt that old soreness creeping back into my body.
there's something about that soreness that i do actually find funny...although not in a "ha-ha" kind of way. when i first got hurt i figured i'd just work through it. eventually i would heal and it would go away. oddly enough (or maybe not) it never did. it still hurts. i read that email with the feeling that this real or imagined girl could shove her fake apologies. all those sensible assessments and gracious compliments were just a means to an end.
they were just a way for her to not feel guilty anymore.
is anyone who steps out on a relationship truly sorry? do they just think they are?
i don't know for sure, but my gut tells me their regret only runs as deep as their guilt. they're only sorry they got caught. when they were inches deep in the damp comfort of the act...they were certain that the bliss they were feeling was right. it had to be. when they were pulverizing your heart for a cheap orgasm, you never crossed their mind. they wished you were never in the picture, they wanted to "get back" at you...to spit in your face as some kind of retribution for what you supposedly did to them.
so chivalrous. L-O-L.
let's be real for a second. it was about a nut. you (the cheaters) know it, i know it. sometimes you didn't even GET the nut. pathetic.
but it begs the question...why do people who cheat think it's not cheap?
why do they put their actions on this pedestal? as if somehow the laws that govern monogamy should be thrown to the dogs because of their...connection. *le sigh*
give me a christ-punching break.
what these "people" believe is so nonsensical. if you have such a connection, why couldn't you break it off with you current (in)significant other? why couldn't you use the same restraint that us normal folks use when peer pressures like drugs and alcohol enter our lives? fuck it, when other people interlope in our relationships?
i might respect you more if you just admitted that the only power you had was good pussy.
here's the truth as i see it. there are 2 kinds of people in the world we're in...
you friend through all seasons, and seasonal friends. no different with lovers.
this is of course, a special occasion. i have an interesting mutant power. i have the ability to gravitationally pull all manner of socio & psychopaths into my life.
i have in the past harped about my desires for inner peace. at times i just want freedom from the turmoil. but it seems i may as well embrace what i do have (a psycho-magnet) and figure out a way to make it a useful commodity.
i manage in my day to day to have all sorts of great exchanges. they run the gamut from joyous to...jesus christ, how did i get here? my latest though...wow. simply inspirational. what i'm about to show you is an aim conversation that took a turn for the worst. sans the boring bits it was enlightening to say the least. i've known a few self centered folk in my time, but never one who's utter existence was completely fictional. i'm feeling safe in saying that nothing she thinks and feels is rooted in the reality that the rest of us live in. in fact i think she's well aware of that as she spent an absorbent amount of time telling me how she wasn't "normal". she spent even more time trying to freak me out with these shock tales about astral projection, demons, lucid dream states, and a keen ability to physically see a person's "aura".
now i'm not saying these things aren't possible, but i am saying that she wasn't capable of them. in fact, she had so little knowledge on these things that when pressed for ANY info beyond her saying "hey, i can do THIS"...she either "defended" herself via circular reasoning or she told me it was just TOO much to explain.
it was soon very clear...she was just a boring person trying to seem important.
of course, if you let her tell it, she's just too deep for all of us. always the victim of some grand scheme to destroy her. always the victim of some malicious plot by someone who she slighted with her obvious superiority. always on the flaming end of someones anger (usually a guy) that she'd embarrassed by just "being herself" because we...just can't HANDLE who she is, man.
ALWAYS the victim. give me a tit-fucking break. i've never known a person who was so often at the heart of a conspiracy (read: crazy). please for the love of god and yourself...GET HELP IMMEDIATELY!
*sigh*
fool me once they say...
now here i'm telling her i'd had a dream about her the previous night. she's trying to convince me that through a lucid dream state she's astrally projected herself into my dream. you'll notice that she tries to reassure me that i am NOT freaking out, this is real...even though i wasn't freaking out:
me (12:04:29 AM):a snuggling dream
her (12:04:41 AM):wow.
me (12:04:50 AM):wow?
her (12:05:12 AM):sounds like u had fun in the dream.
me (12:05:30 AM):i mean it was just a warm dream
me (12:06:30 AM):it wasnt about nothin tho
her (12:09:48 AM):mmmmaybe i astrally projected to you this morning
her (12:09:57 AM):because i couldn't sleep til about 7:45 this morning.
her (12:10:21 AM):i didn't wake up til almost 6 pm...i was in a lucid dream state.
her (12:10:48 AM):it's weird..because what you just told me i felt in my dream, you just verified it for me. that it wasn't just an innocent dream. it was real.
me (12:11:01 AM):niice
her (12:11:04 AM):you aren't crazy.
me (12:11:15 AM):but what do u mean? i verified it for u?
her (12:11:17 AM):if it was a dream, you would've went tazmanian devil on me.
her (12:11:25 AM):you verified the lucid dream i had today
her (12:11:30 AM):i had the same experience.
her (12:11:32 AM):i felt it.
her (12:11:43 AM):no wonder i was moving around as if someone was touching me.
me (12:11:48 AM):this is cool..tell me about urs
her (12:11:56 AM):it's the same fucking dream
her (12:12:02 AM):it would be redundant.
me (12:12:28 AM):ohh boy. i've never experienced this before. im excited
her (12:12:53 AM):yes my friend, i'm sorry to burst your bubble. but i'm not normal like what you would consider normal in most females.
me (12:13:01 AM):it maybe redundant for u but not for me
her (12:13:17 AM):i do astrally project, i do lucid dream,why do you think i keep my shit on private.. i'm very selective on who i let into my inner circle.
her (12:13:36 AM):this ain't no joke.
me (12:13:56 AM):and i dont mean to burst urs but u know my steez. it doesnt freak me out
i'd like to think that i'm a pretty open minded guy, so i go along with this little charade of hers. we continue talking about the dream a bit more and then the conversation takes an abrupt turn...
me (12:31:11 AM):so yea tho
me (12:31:15 AM):that was nice
her (12:33:20 AM):
her (12:33:34 AM):yeah it was nice, because it was real.
me (12:40:43 AM):it was so short tho
her (12:41:42 AM):trust, it wasn't .. i was asleep for a very long time
her (12:43:12 AM):in dreams time stands still, and it seems short but in reality, just like life.. life can appear short or long depending on what you make of it.
her (12:43:56 AM):if i were you i'd take a moment and reflect your feelings and thoughts through your music...
her (12:44:06 AM):if you already haven't done so.
her (12:45:15 AM):i mean, you inspire me lyrically...i'm hoping i do the same for you.
me (12:46:12 AM):that an odd follow up
me (12:46:31 AM):hopping onto a new topic there?
her (12:47:04 AM):i'm not trying to change the subject.
her (12:47:25 AM):they are one in the same.
her (12:47:43 AM):music is your life right? ... well, it's mine as well.
her (12:48:34 AM):how many females that have come into your life...have musically been connected with you like this before?
her (12:49:31 AM):only i have the capacity to understand a man and an artist. and i respect the two equally. and would never keep a man from his art. or make him choose between the two
me (12:50:23 AM):yea
me (12:50:45 AM):i've thought about a lot as the time passes
her (12:50:51 AM):i'd like to see you find someone like me in your lifetime, i doubt you ever will. i'll call you out on that too.
me (12:50:52 AM):my music i mean
me (12:52:04 AM):my music (especially in my solo work) is a reflection of my reflections...whats making me tick at the moment i guess
her (12:52:43 AM):so what happens when your reflections cease to exist anymore... what then
her (12:53:09 AM):does everything have to be negative all the time.
her (12:53:14 AM):like f*ck has day, everyday?
her (12:53:24 AM):...why can't there be an equal balance of good and bad
her (12:53:28 AM):because life isn't always bad
her (12:53:51 AM):and when it hands you lemons, i think you should make lemonade.
her (12:53:55 AM):and make the best of what you've got for the time being.
her (12:54:28 AM):because nothing really lasts forever. but for the brief moment that something is joyous...you should celebrate life and express yourself musically.
her (12:55:14 AM):and if you need help, go put on Nas' .."The Lost Tapes," and nothing lasts forever, everything eventually comes to an end.
me (12:55:52 AM):its not fuck has day everyday
her (12:56:02 AM):...it shouldn't have to be.
me (12:56:44 AM):fuck has day is a title of a cd i put together. the 'fuck has day, everyday' is a slogan, like 'where's the beef'. it sounds good and makes sense with the cd
me (12:56:53 AM):as a catch phrase
her (12:57:08 AM):i'm not talkin bout the title
her (12:57:11 AM):i'm talkin bout the whole album
her (12:57:20 AM):everything is so dark and sad
her (12:57:48 AM):it seems like you're whole life has been, hey everyone..let's f*ck has day, until the end of time.
her (12:58:16 AM):and piss and shit on his grave while dancing the macarena and having a huge orgy with all your ex's at your funeral.
her (12:58:26 AM):do you forget i actually listen to the things you say on your lyrics
me (12:58:47 AM):and if it has been that way then should i just pretend to be happy?
me (12:58:56 AM):i dont think so
her (12:59:15 AM):i'm sure you've had at least one happy moment in your life.
me (12:59:26 AM):and?
her (12:59:51 AM):....uhh nevermind, you're running in circles.. i'm gettin a headache now and a lil dizzy at that
umm...i think it's obvious at this point that i'm missing some important piece to this puzzle. i've never talked someone into circles without using words. that takes skills i'm not sure i possess. of course, this person also believed i was a telepath so...
here's where it comes to a head. this is where she tells me for the umpteenth time in our brief "friendship" that she's not normal (clearly.) and also where i find out that on top of the mind games i've been playing in that whole stretch of time where i barely said anything, that i'm also manipulative, as well as selfish.
not to mention an asshole.
she also had a problem with one of my good female friends. she mentioned her on numerous other occasions as well. i guess it was beyond the realm of possibility for a man to have a platonic female friend...or maybe she took some other "issue" with my friend. you just can't be too sure when it comes to mentally unstable types. you never know what's knocking around in that chemically imbalanced sun spot she calls a brain. i don't wanna spoil it for you though, enjoy-
me (1:00:00 AM):IM running in circles
me (1:00:06 AM):i havent even said anything yet
her (1:00:49 AM):exactly, there is no point. just an end to a question and unanswered ideas
me (1:01:14 AM):i didnt make u take the content of fuck has day and turn it into a completely negative piece of work. its not. there are painful moments on there yes, but there are also fun moments, light moments, all kinds of moments
her (1:01:33 AM):i feel like you're playing chess with me, and trying to play instead of being honest like you were earlier
me (1:01:52 AM):ur being sooo weird right now
me (1:02:12 AM):ive hardly said anything to make u think i was trying to play some mind game
her (1:02:29 AM):then why are you still talking to me if i'm so weird.. why don't you go talk to your best friend instead of me,at least she's not weird.
me (1:02:41 AM):what??
her (1:02:44 AM):talk to ur normal friends, cuz i'm not normal. and i'm never going to be. and i'm proud of it.
me (1:02:53 AM):what is on ur mind right now?
me (1:02:58 AM):how bout we start there
me (1:04:08 AM):cuz it aint me playin some mind games. you've been typin away faster than i can respond so it aint that. and dont worry about my best friend. you've never met her and she's none of your concern. nothing we've been chatting about has involved her tonite.
her (1:04:24 AM):lookover the transcripts, i dont feel like re-emphasizing everything i've said in the last hour or so.
me (1:04:32 AM):u know what?
me (1:04:43 AM):fuck it. ur playing the mind games
me (1:04:45 AM):peace
her (1:05:05 AM):wow. her (1:05:20 AM):you're a piece of work.
her (1:05:44 AM):if i was playing mindgames i would never hesitate, unlike you to say the things i feel. but if you find it offensive, i'm sorry. truth hurts.
me (1:05:49 AM):i am? read the transcripts
her (1:06:14 AM):you said in your song, the only way to see what your friends think is to get into an argument with them.
me (1:06:31 AM):goodbye ****. ur being weird i dont know what ur problem is with me, but its not my job to fix ur skewed perception of me
me (1:06:38 AM):i am whatever u say i am
me (1:06:50 AM):u obviously know me better than i do right?
me (1:07:46 AM):oh ok here it comes huh?
me (1:08:18 AM):tell me something i dont wanna 'face up to' in my blind eyed life
her(1:09:23 AM):I'VE NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS. AND RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE BEING A COMPLETE SELFISH, MANIPULATIVE ASSHOLE. I HOPE YOU HAD FUN TELLING ME OFF. YOU WIN. YOU LIKE HEARING THAT DON'T YOU. DON'T WORRY, I WON'T EVER BUG YOU AGAIN.
uh. huh. here's where i won(?). there are so many things wrong with this conversation that i really don't know where to begin. i'm pretty sure she's going to attack me with that army of angels after this. maybe i'll attack her with an army of therapists. we'll have good times.
the great thing about stand up citizens like this is that they can't/won't show you anything beyond the tall tales they've conjured up. AGAIN, i'm not saying there aren't things we don't understand in our world. i'm not saying that the paranormal is a farce, i'm just saying...believe half of what you hear. if you know someone like this, challenge them. if they can't tell you ANYTHING...if they can't enlighten you in ANY way, if all they can tell you is "i don't feel like explaining a whole book, it would take too long"...if every time you try to touch on what they tell you, they evade you and talk you into some lame circular reasoning...they are LYING. if something that prolific is happening to them and they can't articulate any part of it for you, they're taking you for a ride.
it's up to you how far you travel with them.
son, if you're reading this...this clown ass broad isn't powerful, don't believe the hype. she's just a good story teller. early!
and if YOU'RE reading this, you fucking crumb. get your head checked. those pin points of light aren't spiritual, they're brain trauma...victim.
i seriously hope you find yourself some help. oh, and since you're going to call me an asshole no matter what anyway, may as well live up to it...
i wanna send a special shout out to all my ex's. hey boo(s)!
i can try to get you guys together. you can meet up and practice the dance steps you'll be doing on my grave. they're wonderful girls, you'll fit right in. don't worry your pretty head of hair about it, k?
i took some time off from the game. upon my return it became apparent...i am damaged goods. while i have taken some meetings, i haven't signed a new contract. some of my injuries may heal with time, others...not so much. i grapple daily with the after effects of it all.
on changes:
for some reason change is constant and drastic in my life. be it friends, lovers, jobs or otherwise...the climate surrounding my days is by and large unpleasant as well as baffling. at least that's how it seems-
i graduated high school but i didn't walk:
yea. i found out AT the graduation ceremony that i wasn't allowed to walk. i got the news from one of my teachers. he was actually one of the root causes of my not walking. it sent me into a fit of anger, seeing as how i was called down to graduation practice everyday leading up to this dog-walk. after i stormed off i remembered, i needed to go and get my father, who was in the bleachers on the far side of the football field. it would likely have been one of the few proud moments he had of me in his fractured memory...ah well. that evening, me and him split a half-pint of jack in his pick-up...and so went my adolescence-
i have in recent time developed some issues with trust:
more often than not...i simply don't believe you. i'm fully aware of the impracticality of it, i also realize that it's not the paramount way to view people...but when action fails to gel with words you get mistrust. when you breed said mistrust with a healthy dose of betrayal you get me. let's review...
trust+betrayal=mistrust
mistrust+words-action=me
see? simple-
on the indy 500:
there seem to be some people in life that like it or not, you can't get rid of. i don't mean in the same way as say...an annoying suitor or a bad influence. i mean the kind of person that is bad for you, and vice versa...and yet, every time they come knocking you'll open the door for them. you'll listen to their sales pitch even if you don't buy it, and in the end you'll be a sucker for it...but damn if you don't enjoy that ride on some twisted level that only you and that person understand-
on maury:
maury povich is fucking up black people's reputation. network tv is leaning solidly toward modern day minstrel proportions. that show reinforces possibly every black stereotype that exists. it's like the spear chucker review every morning and afternoon. there are times when it seems like i'm tuning in just to see if it can get any worse than it already is...it can-
i know, i know. it's random. that's how life is for some of us...a jumble of disjointed, seemingly unrelated events. but you never know, underneath it all there may be some tie that binds it all together.
maybe i was up early, catching a little tv (maury). contemplating the rocky road i call my life (on changes). perhaps even lamenting a time long gone (i graduated but...), people and things i've lost (on the indy 500), and the scars that come with the spills i've taken (on trust). at first i may be sad, but soon i realize...that as long as i'm still standing i can always find my way back to a fresh start (i became a free agent again).
