still...

i'm desperately trying to keep my mind off of her...

for reasons i won't explain here, we aren't speaking anymore. i can't help but fear that i'll never hear from her again. that's something i never wished for us.

is it just withdrawl? 

no. 

i've pondered long and hard about that. i came to the conclusion that i genuinely just miss her. as much as you're not supposed to look back with regrets, i do. i wish i could change and alter at my leisure. maybe turn up the magic a bit more...

that thing of ours was by no means a bad one. i just have those nagging memories. the vivid ones of where it went off track. the moments that i screwed up. i wish that i could make it perfect...but maybe that would hurt her more than the imperfection. 

someone always loses.

i wonder how long it'll take before i fade away into obscurity. i wonder if i should stop that from happening. i wonder every single day if i've made the right decision in letting her go...

i wonder if she'd even take me if i decided i had messed up letting her go.

the facts are: i want her back.

i ache for her, and i look at this picture of her and i everyday. i secretly hope she still thinks about me, but i fear she doesn't. i am deathly afraid that i'll run into her some time from now...and her feelings for me will be so far removed that while i look on her with nostalgia and longing for what we had, she will look on me with equal parts detachment and pity for wanting something which has long since passed. 

i am skeptical of this world. i can't say whether or not there is someone here for me, but she may have been as close to it as i will get. yet, the politics of this place have torn us apart in ways we never thought were possible for us.

the confusion only mounts...

if i go after her, and she really isn't who i am meant to be with, then what? do i really even want the things that separated us?

*sigh* when do the answers come?

it pains me to ignore her...and her me. it hurts me so deeply that i have to pause in my tracks and process my thoughts of her like a statue in a museum. my pain and hers are two completely different things though. out of respect for her pain, i stay away.

i don't call, but i want to everyday.
i don't email or text though i am tempted and have almost done. both out of habit, and out of missing her.
i don't send her songs like i want to.

i am paralyzed by her wishes, and polarized by my desires. i have never missed holding someone as genuinely as i do now.

by the time you read this (IF you read this), i'll probably be a figment of what i once was to you. for what it's worth...i look on us as a success on a lot of important levels and i am fond of you, lover and friend, in a more mature way than i have been before. 

i hope you'll find your way back to me soon.

i love you for what i can't have anymore...and what i've already had. for what you were to me.

custamato~

for now...

life is a joke. no point even writing about it anymore...

signing off,

custamato~

orange spice & lemon (twilight)

funny how much changes in so little time...

funny how so little changes in so much time...






tea is lonely now.
without my partner there is less incentive to drink.

inside the bubble we have created for ourselves it is as if we never existed.
outside, in the world...no one knows we don't.

the privacy is my shot at solace.

i listen to the same songs and work the angles looking for a mistake.


soon these songs will be all that's left. at least that's what it feels like at the moment.

it has occurred to me that maybe you just need space, so you can process it all.
unfortunately it is at times the most unbearable silence i've had in months. the meaning of can't live, can't live without.




my cat looks on wondering how we manage to make things so complex. he's right...
we've found our way into one of those situations where no one wins, so we find ways to be content with slowly losing...



i lose you.

you lose me.



the first tear i've shed over this rolls off my eyelid. i think it's time i close them for the night.




i had orange spice. she had lemon.

custamato~

random thing

getting a new blogger template is maaaaad hard.




custamato~

new times roman empire

at what point does sensationalism usurp journalistic integrity?


recently i had the displeasure of arguing my way thru and argument i was never going to win. i am an upcoming artist. not upcoming in the sense that i just started, upcoming in the sense that i'm still after all these years struggling to get heard...but having at least some marginal degree of success to that end.

my issue (which in writing this entry will surely come back to bite me) is the idea that BECAUSE i am not the most powerful predator in the jungle, i must concede to any and every misrepresentation thrown my way. the reason is simple: i don't (or can't afford) to rub someone the wrong way.

what this basically means is that you or anyone who fancies him/herself a "writer", "journalist", etc. can portray me in any light good, bad or otherwise...and i have no right on this earth to defend myself or my stance.


and you know what? that wouldn't even be so bad IF the people around me acknowledged that the portrayal was flawed. unfortunately i don't have that kind of "team" support.

instead, someone decides to remember what happened (in this case, a performance i was involved in) in their own avant-garde way, and THIS is fine. i then make a singular comment on twitter and get persecuted for taking things too far. interesting how that works. this "journalist" took complete liberty in rearranging the events of the night, but somehow should NOT be held accountable. meanwhile, my making a comment on any level about anything this person said is beyond reprehensible behavior. i have now jumped the gun, jumped out the window and off the bus. i've made it a completely personal matter, i now (according to my "team") am CONVINCED there is a personal vendetta against me. by saying something at all, i have demonstrated beyond a shadow of a doubt that i am bitter. i have blown things so far out of proportion that there are sure to be repercussions.

was i annoyed by the "based on a true story" version of things now circulating on the internet? a little...

i am much much more livid by my friend's utter LACK of camaraderie. by his complete acceptance of opinion being passed off as fact, and condemnation of me for having an opinion myself. funny how damaging one comment can be. funny how it doesn't apply when someone other than me is making the comment.


i am currently a college student. i study english. i know all about persuasive arguments. at it's heart a review is a persuasive argument. i also know about journalistic spin. there are numerous reasons for it, none of which ever need to be personal. unfortunately...i'm the only one here who understands that.

writer's are OBLIGATED to be careful with their words. there is NO place for frivolity in journalism!


*sigh*

it doesn't matter anyway does it? if the people in question were to read this, they'd just say i was mad. they'd just say i'm overreacting. they'd miss the ENTIRE point of this entry. to them it's more palatable for me to just be a bitter prick who can't take the fact that someone didn't idolize me. to them i naively stick to a pointless argument...probably JUST for the sake of arguing. to them i seem to be something petty and unintelligent. just someone to patronize and kick down.

unfortunately condescension only carries a person so far...after that, you have to pay for walking the fine line.


we all pay at some point.




p.s.- shout out to all the brown-nosers and nut-huggers, ya'll make it interesting. i would say don't be mad, but come on...you'd be mad no matter what i said wouldn't you? yea...you would.





custamato~

back on the scene...

so i tried my hand at transferring this blog to wordpress. it hasn't been so smooth. this was my intended first post. instead it will be a reintroduction to the current blog.

ONCE AGAIN-




ok back in the saddle. new site, new blog. well...same blog but new-- you get the idea.

i don't know how successful this version of the blog will be. i don't know what changes i'll make to the format and content. that's the fun part though, the mystery and the discovery.









on that note, let's move forward!










custamato~

fallen king

i suppose i now have something to write about. it is a thing less favorable than i would have ever asked for.


general web news travelling the ether tipped me to michael jackson's sudden (to us) collapse. as it does with most life and death situations (see 2pac, b.i.g., luther vandross, etc.) it didn't really strike me as something to be extremely concerned about. our stars are so impactful that they take on an invincibility that the threat of mortality can't renege. we just naturally feel like they will recover, they will beat illness, they won't die tragically...stunningly.

then as twitter comments began to rack up i decided to check on it again. people appeared to be counting him out. mourning prematurely...except that they weren't. another scan revealed a truth i honestly wasn't prepared for.


Michael Jackson: iconic musician, childhood idol, media punchline, consummate enigma was...is dead. at the age of 50.


as silly as it sounds, i kind of don't know what to do with myself. i'm a tad shaken. i GREW UP in the age of thriller and bad and dangerous. my childhood was affected in a real way by his musical contributions. no, i didn't know him. i have never met him either, but consider this: i come from a single parent home. what michael accomplished through song has affected me in a more positive and lasting way than my relationship with my own biological father.

anyone who loved michael will have to prepare themselves for the worst, sadly. the tasteless jokes aren't far off, and you'll probably be put off by them more than you'd care to be.

there will be those who just don't get why you care...or why it's ok that you do.


as the years passed and the fame betrayed him, we forgot what captivated us about him. it's natural i suppose. whether or not he was the person the media portrayed him as, or something altogether different, will go with him to the grave for most of us. i say it's better that way. let the innocent bystanders have their memories. i don't wish to deify the man, but i think most of us can agree his life wasn't without debt- self appreciated or otherwise.


fact is, we will never wrap our brains around the inevitability of their passing. their deaths will continue to be sensational. i've shed my tears as though he were a member of my family, and as my life and times mark another casualty i will certainly move on, like the world...in his absence.


but before i do: here's 1 for Michael Jackson (1958-2009)



THE KING OF POP


now touring in the biggest stadium there will ever be...






custamato~