orange spice & lemon

she pulls up.

i get in.

we go for tea.

we glance at each other over our padded cups, steaming and bubbling.

chatting, we find the words come easily. 

if we don't speak we're okay. the silence isn't uncomfortable.

i rub her arm, poke her playfully.

she smiles, perhaps with adoration. she likes me and doesn't hide it.

i like her too. 

pupils dilated, joints pointing at one another, leaning forward.

we are what we are.

i was afraid this would happen.

of course, it did happen, but that's okay.

seems it was the right thing all along.

i had orange spice.

she had lemon.

custamato~

random thing

i know i've been overdosing on this lately but...i love street fighter 4. i DO NOT however, love the cheap patterns that everyone (except me) seem to be coming up with.

fight fair sometimes. i know it's a foreign concept but, how 'bout you stop picking that one character...and learning that one special move...then trying to trap people up with the SAME move. 

HEY! here's an idea: win with skill instead of slut tactics. too much?

yeeeeeea, i thought so.

my...how they scar your lovely legacy, street fighter. better off playing alone.

custamato~

the cycle of wanting...

another late night...

working on some music. i don't have long to play at this point. it's just about 2am...my nightly cut-off time. due to an inflated electric bill i am grounded by strict house rules. honestly, it's maddening. music is an impulse based animal. if i don't have the freedom to bend to those impulses, it takes the feeling out of the whole process.

i've been cracking away at a little weekend project (that's taking longer than a weekend). i think it could be something funky to listen to, but man...i can't wait until my recording rig is up to spec. i'm doing everything the long way. there is no convenience to be found in my technology. the fact that there IS technology at my disposal is why i brave the tedium. less than 4 months ago i was wishing for just enough to allow me to project my creativity out to the world. now i have "just enough"...but it's not. the cycle of wanting doesn't end i suppose, it just resets.

another piece of the puzzle in the books, i'll be heading off to bed soon. one can only hope that whoever listens "gets" what i'm trying to do here. one can only hope that if no one does "get" it, i'm not as saddened as i have been in the past. finding that key demo that connects with what you do artistically is difficult. i seek love as though i have never known it...and when i get it, it's likely i'll just wish for more than love.

the cycle of wanting does not end. it just resets, i suppose.

shine.

custamato~

off the books...

royce. elzhi. supastition-





the original:

my version:

more soon...

custamato~

art imitates...

it occurs to me that i haven't updated a whole lot in these moments leading up to '09. honestly, i haven't had much to say. 

life seems to be on hold for me at times. all the exciting things either take a back seat to something else, or never come to pass. i don't know if the rest of you go through the same things as me. i do know that routines don't add up to a healthy sense of freedom for me. i never wanted a rinse-repeat kind of life for myself. 

i have been trying to spot patterns in things for the last few years. you might call them cycles...same difference. there is one thing that i think i can safely say. i am trapped in a pattern, or cycle...same...difference. when something exciting gets my boxer-briefs in a bunch, i sit with bated breath as it all plays out. however, as random as it may seem, the fact that things are not playing out is a pattern. a suffocating, frustrating pattern.

if one were a gambler, one could possibly win money betting that i'm impatient. this is true. of course, one has to take into account the amount of time i spent in wishful thinking because knowledge wasn't readily available to me. 

i'm what you might call a dreamer. i dream big and often but never a dream that is inconceivable. here i am years later, finding out that info IS available...but i'm stuck dialing up to get it in a fiber optic age. it comes when it wants, and only in a sloooooow trickle. that's cool i guess. at least its coming, but jesus...the years wasted. 

i know some of you may read this and think: I would just GO OUT and GET what I needed. ME, ME, ME.

well...as founder, and sole writer on this site- i am truly sorry, oh lord of all worlds. i am simply not as advanced as ye, flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood. some of us need a little more to move on than blind ambition. some of us aren't driven in the same way as others. we all aren't wired the same. that doesn't make us or me less worthy, it just makes us (or me) different. 

that said, please tuck your face back in your ass and move onto another blog. i don't need your healing hand here. thanks.

*sigh*

maybe it's just '09 jitters. maybe it's life jitters. i'm just sick of having talent only to find out that talent doesn't get you anywhere. some of us were born to be artist, or entertainers...some of us were born to watch artists and entertainers live our dreams for us. that just doesn't sound right. art shouldn't be a royal hierarchy set aside for the rich and/or connected.

it should be for artists.

-custamato

pretend it never was...

finally back...

i've been wanting to get back into my college frame of mind for over a year now. i've finally managed to scrap my way back into a class.

in a few short months i'll be back on the frontlines. a fulltime student again.

the seasons are changing. so are our dispositions. interesting to watch. there is something rueful about the switch from summer to fall. still, there is a beauty surrounding the time for me. i think i'm more comfortable in the frigid months as it is. everything will die soon...physically and figuratively. those deaths will give way to new breakthroughs, new loves, new lives.

pain as an afrodisiac.

next spring we will all pretend we are ok because the sun is out and everyone sees us.

maybe we will be ok...

custamato~

looking back on it...

a little while ago i wrote a post (look at me, look at you). i didn't think anyone would really pay attention to it. but in fact someone was paying attention. i got this insightful comment that i'm going to share with the rest of you-


rrougher says: Responsibility these days is like a ripped piece of paper someone has, that they tape to a piece of paper you have, and then disown their piece. Because in that way they take credit for identifying the problem, admit to being involved, and pretend like they have helped fixed it in some way.

But having stuck the responsibility tape to someone else, have performed their responsibility and are no longer responsible.

These same people go around critiquing what you do. Making it their business when they weren't even involved in the first place. Taking credit for what you did or belittling it, either way, ripping little pieces off your sheet of paper. Which is how these people get their damn scraps of paper in the first place.

Because no one wants to be responsible but everyone wants to have an opinion. Which is stupid because opinions are transient, only existing for a brief moment when expressed and even then are essentially worthless.

I think we need to stop taking responsibility and start taking some fucking action. Like Mos said 'don't talk about it be about it' and 'freedom ain't free' so you better go out and make some moves cause your going to have to spend more than your piece of shit opinion to get it.



truuuue.



-custamato



ps- sometimes if i don't notice that i've gotten a comment. if i haven't posted in a while i won't know that i have one until i log in next.

but better late then never. if you comment, i WILL see it sooner or later so...rest assured, i hear you talking.